Turnip Man VS the Horde
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Scanning for Turnips...
Scanning for Turnips...
ZMM
5 years ago I dreamt of a man, a normal man, much like myself this man slept, but when he awoke, he found that he was no longer normal. Instead, he was now half man... half turnip. Where before my dream had been the simple tale of an ordinary man, it had now become the journey of a turnip man who was trying to find his place in the world.
This beautiful story unfolding within my mind came to a quick end, however, as a plague of zombies had befallen the world and our heroic turnip man soon found himself under attack. During his struggle against this zombie horde, our hero took a vicious bite to the neck which sent me hurtling from my dream and back to reality...
But I could not shake Turnip Man, he had changed me, and so our movie franchise begins...
Genre(s)Drama | Horror | Thriller
Location(s)Salinas, CA
Year2017
This film starts off in the quiet town of Salinas, the self-styled turnip capitol of the world. Our main character, a normal man, hates turnips. Flashback to his great-grandfather, the scion of the town’s greatest turnip farming family forcing our character to eat turnip soups, pies, sandwiches, and ice cream. Each time, under his breath, our character says, “I hate turnips.” With the flashback at an end, it is now dinner time, and our completely normal character opens his cupboard looking for something to eat. His choices are a box of Turnip-Os the town’s finest turnip cereal… and a couple sleeves of saltine crackers. Behind him, an apparition of his great-grandfather appears. “You know you want the turnips… there is even fresh turnilk (Turnip Milk) in the fridge” he is reminded by his great-grandfather. “No” our character defiantly responds. He sits at his table and slowly eats his saltine crackers without breaking eye contact with his ghostly great-grandfather who looks on in disappointment. Our main character goes to sleep. Upon awakening, he looks in the bathroom mirror and finds that he is now a half man… half turnip… His scream echoes through the town as the camera zooms out into space!
From this point, the film is about our Turnip Man traversing his everyday life, trying to find his new place in the world. Why did it have to be turnips? He would much rather be half potato. Just as he has accepted his new fate, an unbeknownst to turnip man, a plague of zombies quietly descends upon the town. Turnip man is awoken in the night by a clatter on the front lawn, he springs out of bed and dashes to the window. With the full moon in the sky, Turnip Man can easily see that his home is being besieged by a horde of zombies. Across the street, his neighbor Gene throws open the window and asks Turnip Man if he can keep his party down. Some people have work in the morning. “Not this time” Turnip Man exclaims as he draws his curtains closed. He makes his way downstairs just as the zombies burst through the front door. Turnip Man rushes into the throng of zombie invaders, while he is able to take down many of these new foes, he is ultimately overwhelmed and bitten savagely at the throat.
Turnip Man's fate is shrouded in mystery while the screen fades to black.
Genre(s)Thriller | Revenge | Action
Location(s)California
Year2017
Turnip Man is alive! This film follows just days after the conclusion of Turnip Man VS the Horde. Turnip Man has awoken 3 days after the battle, surrounded by zombie corpses. During a flashback, it is revealed that just before Turnip Man was about to be devoured, he thought of his childhood as a neglected orphan, often left alone on the swing outside school. This gives him the strength and courage to rise once more and defeat the zombies before passing out from blood loss.
Our hero, after recovering, and a 3-month training montage, where he learns the way of the katana from renowned swordsmith Yoshindo Yoshihara and rids the town of all the zombies. sets out with his merry band of survivors to rid the rest of the world of this zombie curse. Only to discover that a massive wall has been erected around the entire town. It’s the government, they were threatened by Turnip Man's raw power. At the meeting to discuss how best to eliminate turnip man, one of the interns suggested using zombies. The President liked this idea so much he is ending the meeting early and promoted the intern to Head of Zombie Affairs (HOZA) no one knew there was such a position, but they were now all outranked by the intern and could not object. A week later the wall was built and the HOZA’s lead scientist, Honks McKinnzey, a former clown turned scientist, unleashed his life’s work into the contained area… turnip craving zombies.
With the truth about this zombie apocalypse revealed, Turnip Man leads the locals in an attack on the wall. He dramatically slashes his katana in the air in front of the wall and the section in front of him peels back. After breaking free from their makeshift prison, Turnip Man tracks down the HOZA, Honks McKinnzey, and the others who wronged him and takes his revenge. However, Turnip Man is being followed as well, mere moments after eliminating the HOZA, the final wrongdoer, he is finally surrounded. With the odds against him, Turnip Man unsheathes his katana and chargers forth, better to die in battle as his master taught him. He is killed instantly in a slow-motion hail of gunfire. Footage of his final takedown is leaked online, and the world weeps for our fallen hero, #heturnshimselfintoaturnip begins trending on Twitter.
Genre(s)Adventure | Action | Dystopian
Location(s)Washignton D.C. | Tulsa, OK
Year2022
On a stormy night, the camera pans down into a dark graveyard, shadowy figures are standing around a grave as Turnip Man drags himself from the freshly dug hole. He has been brought back to life by a group of rebels. He learns that he has been dead for 3 years. The rebels also tell him that government had previously been controlled from the shadows by a man named Honks, they know nothing about him except that he mysteriously vanished around the same time Turnip Man died. Probably just a coincidence they assume. In the void left by this disappearance a new corrupt government sprang and took control. From their headquarters in Tulsa, OK this government has established a dystopian society. Turnip Man is lead back to their secret base beneath the streets of Tulsa and becomes the face of the rebel group, his face is plastered all over fresh merch and soon enough people far and wide flock to the rebel cause. They march on the corrupt government and demand that they relinquish their stolen power. The government refuses and attempts to drive the people back by force.
The rebels will not be beaten, even with little hope of success they fight. Turnip Man stands between the military and the rebels. Through his determination and an intense, yet passionate, show of love, he convinces the military to lay down their arms. They have been victims of the regime too and they decide to join the cause. With little opposition remaining the rebels surge forth! The members of the government close the gates to their newly erected government fortress. Turnip Man challenges the leader to single combat, he knows that he cannot refuse for fear of being memed on.
The battle is hard, but after the 35-minute fight scene Turnip Man emerges victorious and democracy is restored. He receives a full pardon from the new government and makes his way back to Salinas.
Genre(s)Thriller | Crime | Action
Location(s)Europe
Year2025
Upon returning to his hometown, Turnip Man is distraught to discover that his home is in disarray. His son, who was preparing for his father to return after being dead for 3 years and leaving him to manage all the finances, had just been kidnapped. Using his skills as a detective Turnip Man finds a note left to him by the perpetrators. He analyses the note for hours in a secret room under the floor of his basement. He concludes that the message “We took your son, you can find us in Amsterdam” probably means that the kidnappers have fled to Amsterdam, they thought they could slip away and Turnip Man, the world’s second greatest detective, would be unable to find them. They were wrong, he was simply too good.
He sets off on the next flight to Europe to track down his son. During his journey across various European countries, it is revealed through several tasteful flashbacks that Turnip Man was once a CIA operative. His son's captors are aware of this and have taken his son as revenge for a mysterious event (not revealed until the climax) that took place 11 years ago. They saw him on TV during the uprising in America and recognized him as the former spy.
In every country, he finds that he is just one step behind. But he is gaining ground, eventually, he catches up with them in Moscow and must face his own past to save his son. It is finally revealed that 13 years ago Turnip Man (as a normal man) had infiltrated the terrorist organization known as "The Group" with orders to take them down from within. After 2 years undercover he is successful, and The Group, (A family-run organization) is left in ruins. He had become their friend during his infiltration and learned that they were not terrorists at all, but owners of a shitty pizza business and bad at marketing. He reported all of this to the CIA but was threatened that if he didn't bring The Group down the CIA would send someone more capable, this would have cost the members of The Group, their lives as well as their floundering pizza business. He agreed to bring them down so they would be spared but lost his friends in the process. Afterward, the CIA backs the installation of a new pizza franchise, their goal all along.
After this is revealed, the camera pans over the faces of The Group, not a dry eye in the room. They release the Son of Turnip Man, and all come together to hug and laugh about this whole thing. The film ends with Turnip Man attending a wedding between the group’s youngest son and the girl he loves, the daughter of the rival pizza chain; Turnip Man's son is among the groomsmen. There are smiles all around. No one notices the tiny silhouette of a man standing on the horizon. The film fades to black.
Genre(s)Western | Adventure | Sci-Fi
Location(s)Dodge City, NV
Year1882
Several years have passed, and Turnip Man is now a renowned scientist. He is building a time machine and is hailed as one of the world’s greatest minds. Live on television Turnip Man gets in his new machine and will show the world the wonders of modern technology. His plan is to travel just 1 minute into the future. Nearby, a clumsy scientist takes a sip of his coffee, it’s scorching hot, he drops his mug and coffee splashes all over the same outlet that the time machine is plugged into. He was surely going to lose his job this time, he thought to himself as Turnip Man and his machine vanish 143 years into the past.
Surrounded by sparks and smoke Turnip Man and his machine hurtle through time while streams of color whirl by. He sees his ghostly great-grandfather, who nods with approval and gives Turnip Man a thumbs up. Suddenly with a loud bang, the machine stops, and Turnip Man finds himself stranded in the desert with nothing but a broken time machine and a box of Turnip-Os, the sponsor of his time machine. He was supposed to give them a shout-out during the live stream. A quick look in the distance reveals a small western town, he grabs his cereal and heads toward Dodge City.
Turnip Man enters the town just as outlaws are fleeing from the town bank, bags of money in hand. Turnip Man ducks into an alley just as the sheriff and his deputies begin firing at the outlaws. The outlaws return fire, and the Sheriff is wounded. Turnip Man dashes into the street using his box of Turnip-Os as a shield. He drags the town's wounded sheriff to safety, his name is George Salinas, and with no one else available the sheriff names Turnip Man the new sheriff just before he dies. Turnip Man takes this new role very seriously and after finding the best place to put his new badge he leaps into action; he fights back the attackers but is unable to recover the town’s money as the outlaws slip away.
Turnip Man must form a posse and head out into the planes to recover the town's wealth. The town has been unable to find a crop that can withstand the harsh environment, and with nothing to sell the town is nearly bankrupt. With the last of their money now gone their land and belongings will surely be sold off. Turnip Man’s ragtag group faces many trials along their journey to recover the money and save the town, but with Turnip Man's leadership, they prevail at every turn. Eventually, they track the outlaws to their cave hideout. Turnip man and the others crawl into the cave to find that no one was watching the entrance. They shrug and charge the rest of the way into the cave. They turn a corner and come face to face with the outlaw gang, guns drawn and at the ready, it turns out they were waiting for them the entire time. Thankfully they had been standing there for quite a while since Turnip Man’s group had decided to crawl the entire way to the cave entrance and were a little caught off guard by their sudden appearance. Turnip Man wastes no time, he takes his box of Turnip-Os and flings the contents of the box into the outlaws’ eyes blinding them. His group seizes the opportunity, and the outlaws are defeated.
They recover the stolen money and make their way back to town. With the money restored and his time machine still broken, Turnip Man teaches the town how to grow healthy turnips, this becomes the first crop the town ever successfully harvests.
Genre(s)Sci-Fi | Adventure | Cyberpunk
Location(s)New York, NY
Year2182
A year has now passed. Turnip Man is still the sheriff of Dodge City, and although he has built a new life and created a thriving, lawful town, he still yearns to return to his own time. His time machine has been rebuilt and with the use of a train and some dynamite, he prepares to journey through time once again. The town is sad, but they understand why he must go.
However, Turnip Man miss calculated the speed of the train, and instead of returning to his present time, he overshoots and finds himself in 2182. In this strange and bizarre future, Turnip Man is shocked to find that a large percentage of the world is now part turnip. He has never fit in so well, no one even notices that he is not from their time.
While exploring this futuristic New York City, Turnip Man finds out a disturbing truth, the turnip people of the future were created. It is not immediately clear what the cause is, but he is able to find the name of a German scientist from his own time that may be responsible. Armed with this information Turnip Man once again boards his time machine in an attempt to travel back to his present, this time to prevent the world from being turned in to turnip people like himself.
Genre(s)Action | Adventure | Mystery
Location(s)Berlin, Germany | Portugal
Year2026
Turnip Man has finally returned to 2026, his time machine is promptly destroyed, and he vows to never again mess with time. Now he must turn his attention to Germany and discover the truth of his transformation. The scientist he is looking for has been driven from German academia because of his wild experiments. His former colleagues tell Turnip Man that they believe he moved to Portugal where he could conduct his experiments without interference.
In Portugal, Turnip Man locates the German scientist and his secret evil laboratory. Inside, he finds strange turnip creatures and after confronting the scientist, it is revealed that Turnip Man himself, was one of these experiments. The German scientist had chosen him, not randomly, but because he was his father. He was hoping Turnip Man would turn in to a powerful turnip monster that would wreak havoc and take revenge on the town of Salinas, for driving him out and forcing him to abandon his son at an orphanage. Turnip Man did not turn into a monster, however, and so the scientist had to leave his son behind once again.
He shows Turnip Man to a back room where news clippings of Turnip Man decorate the walls. The scientist confides that although Turnip Man was a failed experiment, he was also the scientist's most successful creation. He was proud of Turnip Man; the scene is very heartwarming. Then, the scientist reveals that he is so proud, he intends on creating a world of Turnip people. He asks Turnip Man to join him, as father and turnip son. Turnip Man, hearing this, is brought back to reality. He cannot allow his father to turn the rest of the world into turnips, He fights off his father's other turnip creations and destroys the lab. Before the laboratory collapses Turnip Man saves his father and together, they make it outside.
His father promises to give up on his turnip goals and together the pair return to Salinas, where the son of Turnip Man is delighted to meet his grandfather.
Genre(s)Japanese | Adventure | Psychological
Location(s)Tokyo, Japan
Year2026
Turnip Man is happy. After reconnecting with his long-lost father, he learns that his father had a partner, who just might have a cure that could reverse his Turnipness. The two scientists had disagreed over the plans to turn the world into turnip people, so his father's partner left, vowing to create a cure that would stop him. Turnip Man boards a plane to Japan in search of his father's mysterious partner in hopes that this cure might exist.
This simple mission does not go as planned as Turnip Man is set upon by a group of samurai attempting to kill him. Once again, must pick up the katana, and fight for his very life. This mysterious group slips away, just before defeat. Turnip Man is unable to learn anything about the attackers but chooses to proceed as planned, but he will need to be more alert from here out.
Turnip Man is attacked frequently as he travels across Japan in search of his father's ex-partner. Each time the samurai attackers can slip away, vanishing mysteriously. Turnip Man eventually locates his father's ex-partner and discovers that it is none other than his old master, Yoshindo Yoshihara. Yoshindo reveals that the secret samurai that have been attacking Turnip Man, work for him. And they were not trying to kill Turnip Man, but to test him. Yoshindo wanted to make sure his former student had not forgotten the way of the katana.
Yoshindo also reveals that he was in Salinas all those years ago because he was chasing after Turnip Man's father, only to get caught in the government's fake zombie apocalypse. Although Yoshindo knew the truth about Turnip Man's nature, he did not believe that Turnip Man was ready to know. So, he trained him in the art of the sword instead, knowing that one day, Turnip Man would find the truth himself and make the world right once more.
However, Yoshindo, much like Turnip Man's father, was a failure. He was unable to make a cure and was sorrowful that Turnip Man had come all that way only to leave empty-handed. Turnip Man, having just been told that there was no cure, was on the verge of tears. Seeing this, Yoshindo reminded Turnip Man of all his great deeds, had he not been part turnip, the world would surely be much more hostile. The people needed hope and he was able to give it to them.
This would have been the perfect spot for one of those "if you were never born" movies, where the character sees everyone's life as a ghost and realizes all the good they did, and decides their life is meaningful. But I already planned like 12 movies, and I think that is already pushing it.
Genre(s)Comedy | Claymation | Action
Location(s)Nantucket, MA
Year2027
On his way back home from Japan, Turnip Man stops in the small town of Nantucket for a night’s rest before continuing the journey. After spending, the day in town Turnip Man goes to bed, fully prepared to leave the town behind the following morning. But when he wakes up the following morning, he finds that the events of the previous day are happening once again.
Turnip Man relives the same day over and over for 120 days. We follow all his hilarious antics around town in this 4-hour-long feature film. In the end, Turnip Man finds out that his selfishness was the key to breaking the curse. He had been unemployed for several years and was refusing to return to work on account of being a hero. after accepting a job offer to join the Nakatomi Corporation Turnip Man awoke the next day to find that a new day had finally come!
Genre(s)Holidays | Thriller | Drama
Location(s)Los Angeles, CA
Year2028
With his new job, Turnip man is now happily living in LA with his family. Its Christmas eve, and Turnip man is excitedly heading to the company Christmas party. Unfortunately, at that exact moment, an unknown terrorist group leads an assault on a nearby skyscraper, taking several hostages. Turnip Man, thinking back on his master's words, cannot ignore the plight of the hostages. He texts his boss to tell him that he will be late for the party ad heads off toward the skyscraper.
Turnip Man, having seen the famous Christmas movie, Die Hard, knew exactly what to do. He crawled around the vents of the skyscraper taking out terrorists left and right. All while assuring his boss that he was almost to the party, he was expected to be there and was sure he would be fired if he did not arrive before midnight. The terrorists did not plan on being thwarted so easily and attempted to root Turnip Man out by threatening to execute hostages. This was a mistake, Turnip Man's first rule was to never negotiate, he instead called the terrorist's bluff and used their inability to kill hostages against them.
Using several of the hostages himself, Turnip Man was able to push through enemy lines and take their leader hostage. He arrested the man on the spot and read him his rights. The police, who had been unaware that there was an ongoing terrorist attack were very perplexed when Turnip Man arrived with a slew of terrorists in handcuffs, but they chose not to question it. Instead, they happily received all the prisoners, they thanked Turnip Man by promising not to tell anyone so that his boss wouldn't find out.
Turnip Man makes it to the company party just in time and has a wonderful Christmas!
Genre(s)Space Opera | Legal Drama | Disaster
Location(s)Cape Canaveral, FL | Space
Year2030
An astronomer in a small makes a startling discovery one night, a giant asteroid is heading straight towards the earth! This was not the first time our astronomer believed an asteroid was about to end the world. Several times he had proclaimed doom was coming and several times he was completely wrong, as a result, he was laughed at by his fellow astronomers and was struggling to find work. This time, however, he was sure about the asteroid, and he was going to finally be the famous astronomer he had always dreamed of and finally land a job. but first, he would need to prevent the world's destruction.
After traveling all the way to Washington, he meets with the president and begins telling him of his recent discovery. The president was hesitant to believe such wild claims but after waiting for nightfall the astronomer made him look through his telescope and that was all it took for the president to pick up the red phone and call the only person able to stop such a large object.
Turnip Man
Once again, our hero was needed to save the world. This time, however, he knew it was going to be a one-way trip. He bravely accepts the mission and heads off into the unknown once again. This time, ready to make the ultimate sacrifice. When he reaches the asteroid he makes a startling discovery, it is not an asteroid at all but a giant rock being pushed toward the earth by an alien spacecraft.
Immediately, the alien ship begins firing at the unidentified object, our hero, who is forced to take evasive maneuvers, and an epic battle ensues. Turnip Man is able to dodge the alien lasers until their batteries are depleted. He hails them on the intercom and requests permission to board their ship and begin negotiations. This was the first and last time Turnip Man had ever broken rule #1. After meeting with the alien leaders, he learns that they did not know they were about to crash into earth. The rock they were moving is quite large and they are unable to see around it. However, even though they enjoy Turnip Man's company and destroying his home planet will be rather upsetting, they cannot deviate from their course.
They are just cogs in the machine they explain, and their alien bosses would be very unhappy if there was any delay. Turnip Man refuses to accept defeat, he recently started attending law school and is fully prepared to battle these alien bosses. Not physically, but legally. Armed with the laws of the earth, Turnip Man forces his new alien friends to call up their bosses and their alien lawyers.
What happens next is a legal masterpiece. Having traded in his katana for the more elegant rule of law, Turnip Man proves that great deeds can be accomplished just as easily with words as they can with violence. The aliens’ bosses are advised by their legal teams that it would be best for the company's image to accept Turnip Man's request and take a slight detour around the earth. They begrudgingly agree.
Victory achieved, Turnip Man departs from his new friends and returns to earth. He tells know one of the alien species he encountered while out in space and returns to the quiet town of Salinas.
Genre(s)Drama | Noir | Betrayal
Location(s)Rome | Egypt
Year2037
Turnip Man is not a young turnip man anymore. It has been 7 years since earth's close encounter with the asteroid from outer space. 7 years of peace. Turnip Man has decided that his time as the world's hero has come to an end, he can finally retire. However, when Turnip Man is just 2 days away from his retirement party, he is betrayed. A mysterious group has been searching for something hidden in the Egyptian sands, and they have finally found it.
With the help of a famed archaeologist and the cover of darkness, the group is able to smuggle the mysterious object out of the desert. Turnip Man cancels his retirement party and heads to Egypt, he questions workers at the dig site who reveal that a strange group had funded the dig and disappeared suddenly after making a discovery.
Turnip Man, knowing exactly what they are after, boards the next fight to Rome. Once there, he heads to the coliseum and discovers another abandoned dig site. But as he is leaving, he notices that the area is not completely abandoned. Turnip Man chases the mysterious man through the streets of Rome until he corners him. It is the famed archaeologist. He reveals that the group, made up of Turnip Man's former allies, is attempting to restore Turnip Man's famed katana, which had been broken in two when Turnip Man became a lawyer.
The group plans to use the weapon to take control of the UN. They believe that even though the world is at peace, there could always be more peace. They have crossed a line. Turnip Man knows what his former friends are capable of with his katana and that only he can stop them.
One by one he hunts down his former allies and reluctantly eliminates them. His old boss from LA, the sheriff from Dodge City, the clumsy scientist, the astronomer, and the youngest son from The Group are all found and dealt with. It is Turnip Man's hardest trial. Even reliving the same day in Nantucket wasn't as hard as this. Finally, he tracks down the final member of this wayward group, the shadowy leader who has been pulling the strings from the very beginning. It is his son, the son of Turnip Man. He exclaims that he is tired of living in his Turnip father's shadow, and it is his time to be the hero.
The son of Turnip Man was never meant to wield the katana of legend and has been corrupted by its power turning him evil. He lunges at his father wildly fully prepared to kill him. Turnip Man is unable to fight his own son, he stays on the defensive and tries to get through to him by talking. The words of a former lawyer close to retirement are powerful indeed, the son of Turnip Man is forced to recall his own memories of childhood. Unlike his father, the son of Turnip Man had a wonderful childhood, his father was a hero. He snaps to his senses and drops the katana.
Turnip Man embraces the son of Turnip Man and together the two ride off into the sunset, retirement had come at long last.
